Special Story Topics

Essence of Fathering

Overview

What is fathering? Fathering is committed action to care for children that spans the life cycle and consists of countless experiences. The following stories are a response from an invitation to share experiences that capture the essence of a relationship with one's father.

Stories

As fathers spend time doing work with thier children, these children learn how to work hard and in the process develop a sense of productivity or usefulness (Snarey, 1993, p.17). In this story of recreation work, a father was able to use yard work as an opportunity to build a stronger relationship with his children.

"When my father came home from work at approximately six every evening, we thought he would want to quit for the evening, but he would always round us up to go pick cantaloupe. When we picked melons with Dad, he would carry the bags for the melons while we would hunt for the ripe melons. I would get so excited when I found a ripe melon on the vine that I would jump up and down, pick it, and throw it to Dad. Although I'm sure that he had seen a million of these melons just like the one I had picked, he would be almost as excited as I was and compliment me on the nice melon that I had picked. No matter how many melons that I became excited about, my Dad was always just as excited as I was. It was not only picking the melons that was important. My dad made me feel he couldn't get by without my help. Dad would always thank us and let us know that what we did was appreciated. Probably the best thing that Dad did while we were in the melon patch was to talk with us. He would ask us how our day had been and what we had accomplished. I always felt when we were in the melon patch I could tell Dad anything. I had more heart to heart talks with my father while in the melon patch then at any other time I can remember."

The child's social development can be greatly facilitated by a caring, accessible and dependable father who fosters a sense of closeness, sharing and trust (Biller, 1993, p. 190) As examples of relationship work, these next three stories show that spending one-on-one time with a child is a great opportunity to strengthen a relationship.

"When I was five years old, my dad took me aside after dinner one night and asked if I would like to go on a date with him that Friday night. I, of course, said yes. I wanted to know where we were going, but he wouldn't tell me. He just smiled and told me it was a secret. The week went so slow! I was so excited to spend some time alone with my dad. He had been the bishop [position of leadership in the Mormon church] for five years and had just recently been called into the Stake Presidency [another leadership position]. I hadn't ever had a lot of time with dad, and especially not time alone. Finally, Friday came. After dinner, my mom had me change into my red shirt and I left on our 'date'. We went to a basketball game at 'the Pit.' To be honest, I can hardly remember the game and if I know myself, I probably never really watched the game. Mostly, I remember that it was very loud, but amidst all the noise, my dad kept smiling at me, showing me the players and trying to explain why everyone was either cheering or booing. I don't remember if the Lobos won or lost that night, but after the game, my dad took me to get ice cream and then we went home. It was probably the first time I ever stayed up past 11:00. On the way home, I recall asking my dad why he had brought me. I think it surprised me that he had chosen to take me, instead of my 7-year-old brother who surely would've understood and enjoyed the game much more than I had. He answered, 'Because you are such a good girl and such a joy to our family. And because I love you.'"

"Sun poured into my bedroom as I awoke. The day that I had been looking forward to for weeks had finally arrived. It was the day that my father and I were going on our daddy-daughter date. To the envy of my brothers, my father and I loaded up the car with a picnic lunch and fishing equipment. It was our day to bond, to talk, and to just be together. As we drove up the mountain we talked about the fish that we should catch, and laughed at funny stories that each of us told. Excitement filled the car as we pondered the events to come. After about forty minutes we arrived at our destination, a secluded spot with a deep pool of water, and huge rocks to sit on while we fished and talked. We fished for hours but we did not catch anything. Some how during lunch one of the fishing poles fell into the water. In disbelief we watched as it sank to the bottom of the river. After lunch my father lowered me into the water to get the fishing pole. I remember how strong the grip of my fathers hands were as they held on to mine. His face had the look of worry and support as he watched me swim to the bottom of the river to get the fishing pole. As I swam to the top and handed him the pole, joy spread across his face. He was relieved that I made the journey safely. The grasp that pulled me out of the water was stronger than the one that let me go. In that instant I knew that my father loved me."

Generative fathering involves showing interest in a child's life. Biller (1993, p. 130) found children with involved and available fathers generally experienced much more success in school and increased academic performance than those who did not have a constructive relationship with both their father and mother. The following story tells how a father shows concern and interest in his daughter's high school life.

"When I was in high school and dating different guys, my dad would always wait up for me when I came home from my dates. He waited up not only to make sure I got home safely, but he also wanted to hear about my dates. He was interested in my life. He became involved with me when I needed help with homework. Last semester, I was having a hard time in my math class. My dad sat down with me and showed me many things on his calculator and ways to use it that would help me for my final exam. He was willing to help any time I had a question. In fact, he was the one who offered to help me before I even asked him. This showed to me that my dad really wants to be involved with me."

Research states that fathers tend to be more arousing and stimulating in interacting with their children, engaging them in active, unstructured play (Biller, 1993, p.22). In this story, a father takes a unique moment to play with his children instead of reprimanding them. When fathers take the time to play with their children, they not only help their children learn how to get along with other age-mates, but also develop a stronger bond with the father. (Parke, 1996, p. 124, 137). This is the essence of recreation work.

"The extensive spring rains had flooded our pond and, to the delight of my sisters and I, sent the excess over the edge and gurgling through our front yard. We were pulling our 'handcart' (a beat-up plastic snow sled) across the muddy 'Iowa plains' (our flooded yard) complete with our 'supplies' and small child (suitcases, blankets, dolls and our young sister). In the process, the 'Indians' (harmless family dogs and cats) were chasing us down with fearsome bows and arrows . . . The rain had dampened our little sisters soft blond curls until they were pasted to her forehead. I noticed her lower lip quivering dangerously. 'Uh-oh. She's going to tell on us if we don't let her quit,' I said. . . The chubby five-year-old rolled out of the sled and into the muddy flow. We laughed! With a sniff she was on her feet and huffing up the hill toward the house . . . 'Hey girls, what are you doing?' called Daddy from the open garage . . . Before we knew it, he was trotting down the slippery hill toward our bedraggled forms. 'Get up girls. The Indians are coming!' he shouted. Our eyes widened as he climbed into the small, unstable sled . . . We picked up the ropes and began running, trying to lug his bulk through the water. Laughing uncontrollably and tripping over our skirts, we finally gave up. We spent the rest of that afternoon taking turns sitting in the sled as Daddy pulled us through the muddy stream. Laughing hysterically, Mama watched from the front porch. Daddy was always there for fun . . . He was our playmate and provider . . . It was not uncommon to see all six children in a 'rough-housing' tangle of arms and legs with Daddy in the center of the heap."

The next three stories are examples of mentoring work. In the following story, a father sacrifices many hard hours of work to make his daughter's wedding reception wonderful. The father didn't just say he loved her, he showed his love for her through his actions.

"My older sister and I got engaged just a few nights apart. I had always hoped to have a backyard reception and it was decided that that would be most inexpensive. However, we had forgotten what a mess the backyard was. Still, my dad had a vision of what could be done with that jungle. He began to fix it up immediately, striving to meet the end of the summer deadline . . . He had the challenge of pulling out dead trees, weeds, bushes, dead grass, and planting new flowers and plants. He became absorbed in this activity, taking time off work and free time to create a heavenly backyard . . . There was not a day that went by that I did not see my father in his grungy clothes with dirt stained knees and sweat on his face. I was amazed at all he was doing to make my wedding wonderful . . . My greatest memory came, however, on the actual wedding day. The ceremony and luncheon were over and we were back at my house preparing for the reception. I had an hour or so before I needed to get back into my wedding dress, so I thought I'd go out back to see how the set up was coming. I walked out to the backyard and marveled at how beautiful everything looked. The tables were neatly set, flowers bloomed, the cake was gorgeous, and the sky was magnificently blue and orange. I sat down on the swing chair to sink in all I saw and felt. My dad followed shortly after and sat down next to me. We did not speak for a few moments but simply gazed at the wonder of the moment. My eyes began to burn as I thought of all my dad had done the past summer to make this the most special occasion of my life. In a choked up voice, and with tears streaming down my face I said, 'Dad, this is the happiest day of my life.' And I meant it with all my heart. He put his arm around me and pulled me close to him. I rested my head on his big, safe shoulder and smiled through my tears. I then told him I loved him and he returned with the same adding, 'It is beautiful, isn't it?' His way of showing us he loves us is by doing and sacrificing for us. I have always felt of importance to him because of that. I don't think my father needed to be at home full time in order for me to have understood that love. The backbreaking work he did all summer for that one, quick day said it better than a thousand words could have. In my case, it wasn't what my father said to express his love, but how he showed it."

In the following stories, fathers teach values that impacted their child's lives.

"I was in the ninth grade and had some heavy duty math homework. Ninth grade math was not easy for me. I struggled with the problems and often looked to the back of the book for help. In the back of every math book the answers to all the odd numbered problems are found. These answers are to help students with the concepts and allow them to work the even-numbered problems on their own. One evening when dad was checking my homework, he noticed that I was getting half of the problems right and half of them wrong. Dad began to ask questions and I told him I didn't understand the concepts in the book. I told Dad I was looking in the back of the book for answers. Now before I tell you what Dad did, let me preface this by saying, I think there was a lot weighing on his mind that day and Dad was stressed about something besides me. I couldn't see this at the time and maybe that's why it affected me so much. After I explained to Dad what I did, he sat back in his chair and got the most disappointed look on his face and began to cry!! Can you believe it? He cried and cried and told me how disappointed he was in me and that I was lacking integrity when I cheated like that. It just about killed me. I really looked up to my dad and didn't want to hurt or disappoint him. After that incident I never 'cheated' from the back of the book again. Although I can't say my math grades improved much after that, my Dad taught me a lesson more valuable than math. Dad taught me personal integrity is more important than anything else. Dad lives by this rule and has more integrity than any man I know."

In the following story, a young woman tells of the impact her father had when he was there to comfort her after she watched an upsetting movie.

"Just as the movie ended and I was starting to get myself under control, my dad drove in the driveway. He could tell that I had been crying and wanted to know what was wrong and if I was okay. I tried to tell him that nothing was wrong and that I was all right when my voice cracked and I started to sob hysterically. My dad couldn't figure out what was bothering me because I couldn't tell him what had happened. At that point he came over and picked me up in his arms and rocked me for over an hour while I tried to sort out my feelings enough to settle down. When I finally calmed down, we talked about the movie and why it may have caused me to react the way I did. My father was a key person in helping me to learn how to cope with the trials and tribulations that will come in this lifetime."

Part of teaching important values to children involves allowing them to choose for themselves and experience the consequences of those choices. The following story illustrates this point.

"He has taught me the proper way to live, and has helped me make right choices. One experience I had with my dad illustrates this perfectly. When I was 15 years old, I was with some friends who wanted to watch an R-rated movie. I called my dad from their house and asked him if I could watch the movie. He just replied, 'I shouldn't have to say anything to you. You can make the choice.' I quickly made the choice to go home, and I realized that my father had saved me from doing a wrong act, but he also let me make the choice myself."

Making mistakes is part of the learning process. An important part of development work is allowing children to make those mistakes. When children make mistakes, fathers that are nurturant (helpful, kind, and praising) in their responses help their children to develop cognitively (Parke, 1996, p. 161). This story tells of a time when children made a mistake.

"As children we make some really stupid mistakes, and we learn a lot from these mistakes. The experience that stands out in my mind is a funny but sad one. My family was going camping, and my dad had pulled out the tents and sleeping bags a few days prior to our departure. My little brother and I were convinced that we could put the tent up by ourselves. We were going to sleep in it the night before we left. We proceeded to put the tent up in the back yard, and put the sleeping bags and pillows inside of it. We were so proud of ourselves that we had to tell someone. My mom and dad came out to see what we had accomplished. As we crawled inside and started to proclaim our intelligence the tent came crashing down. We didn't know what we had done wrong, all the poles were in the right places. My dad smiled and said, 'You forgot to put each pole in its pocket.' I am sure that we looked totally discouraged and confused. He showed us where we went wrong, and helped us re-put up the tent. I think that because he helped us and showed us the way to do things properly, after we had made a mistake, we learned a lot more."

The essence of fathering sometimes is as simple as love itself. In the next story, this father shows love and concern for his son.

"There is one event that occurred between my father and me that stands out more than any other event. It occurred the day that I left for the MTC [Missionary Training Center for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints]. We lived in Nebraska so my parents were unable to drop me off at the MTC [located in Utah]. The morning that I was to leave [for two years] my father expressed some feelings that he rarely showed in the previous 19 years. He gave me a big hug, a kiss on the cheek, and told me that he loved me and was proud of the decision that I had made to go on a mission. It was no surprise to me that he loved me because his actions always expressed his love. What was surprising was that he opened up and expressed what he was feeling inside. My parents were both very good parents in many ways but they rarely expressed much outward affection. I think that I can count on one hand the number of times that my parents, especially my dad, told me that they loved me. I can still remember how much it meant to me to hear my dad tell me that he loved me."

Sometimes it is easier to write what is difficult to say. This father expresses his love and how proud he is of his daughter through a graduation card, illustrating the power of relationship work.

"The day was filled with excitement as I put on my cap and gown in preparation for my graduation from Ricks College with my associate's degree. This was one more stepping stone in my life to reaching one of my goals. It was so exciting to see that my hard work was beginning to pay off. I was now half done with my college education. The day was great! My fiancee, at the time, and I were able to walk together, side by side, and to our luck we ended up in the seats right in front of my parents, who had come up from Colorado to see us graduate. The situation could not have been more perfect. I was surrounded by those whom I loved and was able to share a special moment in my life with them. I was especially happy to have my parents there to show them what my hard work had done. I was the first child to make significant progress towards a college degree and I sure wanted to make them proud, especially my dad. After the ceremony we took a lot of pictures and shared a few hugs. We were all celebrating Don's and my newly earned degrees. In all the excitement my parents gave me a card that I did not open for some time. I discarded it as a congratulations card my mother had picked out to tell me they were proud. Also, they were around and I always think it is kind of awkward to open cards and read them in front of whoever gives them to you. I always feel like I need to thank them with a hug or some sentimental gesture for a card. To me cards can be impersonal and they do not mean as much as a letter or something of that nature, so I just held on to it until a later moment when I could open it without a lot of attention. That moment came when we were in the gym waiting for something or someone, I cannot exactly recall. But I sat down on the edge of the stage and opened the card while my parents were in their own world off to the side. I had a little bit of privacy in the sense that no one was looking over my shoulder. It was a fairly large card in a blue envelope. My name had been written by my father which was a little unusual because my mother usually does stuff like this. The card was decorated with flowers and books and had a page inside that was made just of regular bluish gray paper and was glued to the card. Anyway, I read the greeting about dreams, new plans, and a wonderful life ahead of me, etc. At the bottom my mother had written I love you in capital letters and signed Mom and my dad had signed Dad. My feelings were confirmed about how I would feel. It was nice, but it was just a card. Then, I realized the glued paper found inside was not glued on the right side and there was writing on it. I turned the page and to my amazement I found a long message written by my father. My dad never writes in cards like this. It is always my mom. I just figured he had been the one to write from both of them as my mother dictated, but I looked down and saw it was signed only by my dad. I had to take a deep breath before reading because I was not sure what to expect. From the moment I read the words 'Dear Janet,' my eyes began swelling with tears. I was filled with total emotion as I read: 'Dear Janet, I know we don't talk much. Communication between you and your mother seems to be better than between you and I. However, I want you to know how extremely proud of you that I really am. The example you set for your brothers and sisters is very important to me, but more than that, the standards you have set for yourself, places you in a class by yourself. I know you will succeed in anything you do; you've proven that many times. You have chosen well: your schools, your course of study, your work, and of course your mate. Be proud of who you are, be strong in what you do, be faithful to your convictions. You are my daughter, I love you very much - Dad.' To many people this would be a normal letter that contains words heard by their fathers many times. But to me, the words are like gold, very rare and precious. My father has never expressed his feelings to me in such a manner. Tears just streamed down my face when I read the words. I wanted to go up and hug my dad to let him know how much they meant but I was restrained. To this day I do not know why, but this experience has been held dear to me and I have cherished this card with all my heart."

Children will remember how their parents treated them when they were very ill. The following three stories show how fathers took time to be with their daughters while they were sick.

"At a very young age, I knew my father loved me. In the middle of my fourth grade year, I started having intense migraine headaches. I had my eyes checked many times and found that I did need glasses, but my vision was changing so quickly that the doctors thought that possibly there were other problems. I was sent immediately to Primary Children's Hospital, to be checked for a brain tumor. On the day scheduled for my testing, my mom was unable to come to the hospital with me and so it was arranged for my dad to come. It was a scary time for our family, and I remember being very nervous and really not understanding what was going on. We went to the hospital, and I was given a lot of shots that go along with having a CAT scan. We were there for hours, but most of the time I was sleeping inside the big machine. I don't remember what happened most of the time, but I do remember waking up and seeing my dad, along with all the doctors, through the glass window. It was weird for me to have all those people looking at and studying me, but having my dad there was very comforting. After we left the hospital, we spent the rest of the day walking around the capital building and just spending time together. It was an experience I have never forgotten and know I will never forget. My father was showing me that day, how concerned and involved he was and still is, in my life. He showed me reverence and respect by being there for me when I was frightened and helping me through that new experience. I gained a lot of respect for him that day, and looking back to that time, I realize that he was not afraid to take on the role of caring for his children . . . This is what makes my relationship with my dad go great; I have no doubt that he loves me and is constantly concerned with my well-being."

"This is not much of a story in that it doesn't flow as nicely as most stories do, but it is a true experience with my father. In preparing to write this I have done a lot of reflecting on my relationship with my father. Many experiences have come to my mind, but none of them quite typifies our relationship like my twenty-fourth surgery, which I had when I was sixteen years old. It was summer so my dad, a French professor, did not have to worry about getting a substitute for his classes, or about work piling up as much as he would have in fall or winter. My parents spent from about nine in the morning to about eight at night with me every day at Primary Children's Medical Center in Salt Lake, then they left to drive back home to Provo so my father would not get too tired. The night before my surgery my father and my uncle gave me a healing blessing that gave me courage and comfort. It helped me know that I would be all right, that I was loved, and that I would be well cared for. As soon as I was in my own room after surgery, while I was still quite anesthetized, my father pulled out his camera and took a picture of me. When I groaned about it he said, "Well, at least I didn't make any 'cutting' remarks." I groaned again, my usual response to his really corny puns, and went to sleep. This joking is a very important part of our relationship and one of the ways we show caring for each other. Later, after the anesthesia had worn off, I was in a great deal of pain. They had discovered a few weeks earlier (after another surgery) that I am allergic to both codeine and morphine, which most strong pain medications are based on. Because of this, they had me on a high dosage of Extra-Strength Tylenol. It may have been 'extra-strength,' but it just was not 'extra-strength' enough for my pain. I spent most of the next few days trying to breathe deeply, and quivering and sobbing in pain. My father spent much of that time sitting next to me, holding my hand so I would have something to squeeze, and wiping my tears. This meant a great deal to me and was one of the ways that I can remember that my father showed me he loved me."

While many people remember the times their fathers cared for them during illness, this young woman remembers a time when the roles were reversed. An important part of development work is allowing others to meet the changing needs of the father as well as the father meeting the needs of the child. Here she remembers most when she was able to help her father during his time of cancer.

"This particular Saturday afternoon, my brothers came up to East Canyon to play some sort of paint gun game, but my dad and I drove up together in our old tan Dodge van. When we got up the canyon, it was a beautiful day and I knew that my dad wished that he could play the game with my brothers, but this time he could only watch. When he stopped the van, the next few minutes in time were very meaningful for me. My dad's crutches were in the back of the van and he asked me to get them for him. I jumped out of the van and opened the side door, trying to hurry to show my dad that I could help him. I grabbed his crutches from the back and walked around to the driver's side. The look on my dad's face told me that he was in pain. I handed him the crutches and he thanked me. We used his arms to slide his body to the edge of the seat and again his face revealed some discomfort. I knew that this process wasn't easy for him. He took one crutch in each hand and supported himself as he slid down from the seat. Then, together, we walked over to the place where the game would start. My dad used to always hold my hand; actually he would hold my pinkie with his. Now he couldn't hold my hand at all because he had to hold onto his crutches. I felt safe with my dad and I was proud to be his daughter. I felt a special bond with my dad that day. First, I was in a place that he loved so much and I was glad that he brought me along. Second, I felt like he needed me to be there so that I could help him. Third, for the first time, I think I realized that my dad was imperfect and that even adults didn't always feel strong and secure. My own dad had need for a little eleven-year-old girl. It's funny that I remember this small and seemingly insignificant experience with my father, but I had a lot of strong emotions for my dad that day. I felt like he was so strong to be able to make it through all the things he had been through, and to have people look at him because he only had one leg. I felt so proud that he was my dad."

Death is a powerful motivation for change. It stimulates younger generations to take something in and older generations to leave something behind (Kotre, 1984, p. 115). In the following stories, tragic events help to redefine a father's relationship with his children.

"Two years after I left home to go to college, my 18-year-old brother committed suicide. It was very devastating for our whole family for a long time, but especially for my father. In the letter my dad says that after this event he realized what a negative effect his harsh, unfeeling attitude must have had on us children. He felt that he had killed my brother and that this could have been prevented had he expressed more of his love and feelings. Throughout all of the trials, my father has realized how important his family is to him. Since my brother's death, my 'new and improved' father has been able to reveal his weaknesses to us children and express his intimate feelings, allowing us to grow closer to him. Because of my brother's death, my dad is no longer a stranger to emotion and I think he has learned how to understand and show his feelings. I'm sure my dad felt hurt, sadness, fear, warmth, affection, closeness, and for the first time was able to claim and recognize these emotions for what they were."

Second Story.

"My parents had planned a trip to Oklahoma to visit my older sister, Lori, but a few weeks prior to their departure my father had an appointment with his doctor. The check-up went as usual, but the doctor told Dad about this new 'miracle drug' that would get him off insulin and encouraged Dad to try it. My father, excited about anything that would enable him not to take insulin, was willing and had the prescription filled. He started taking this new medication and soon thereafter left on their two week trip. Things were going well at first but by the time my parents reached Oklahoma, Dad was feeling quite ill and experiencing much fatigue. He often felt this way when his blood sugar was high so both my parents figured that's what was wrong. They spent the week helping my sister and her husband fix up their new house, but Dad got worse. Any physical activity what so ever left him out of breath; he could hardly tighten a screw without getting winded. Dad started experiencing serious chest pains and pain in his arms, and by this time everyone was worried. My mom and my sister took him to the emergency room. The doctor there told my parents that my father's heart was basically a time bomb just waiting to go off, and that he needed to get to a cardiologist as soon as they arrived home! My parents took the next flight out of Oklahoma headed home. They had an eight hour lay-over in Salt Lake on their way, so I went up and spent the day with them. Dad looked weaker than I had ever seen him before. He would have to stop and rest walking from the car into the store. It scared me to see him this way. I thought it would be the last time I'd see him, and I knew he thought that too. I spent the day driving my parents around Salt Lake as my Dad talked to me about everything from how to do my taxes to what to do when I buy my first house. He talked non-stop; he had so much to tell me and so much advice to give, knowing he would never have another chance. He told me how I needed to raise my kids and the do's and don'ts of parenting. He talked to me about marriage, religion and real estate. And as I listened to him, inside my heart was breaking as my daddy tried to combine counsel for the next twenty years into a few hours. We both knew that the end was surely near, and saying good-bye to him at the airport was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I thought that was it; I didn't think I would ever see my father again. I cried and cried as he hugged me and told me he loved me. I remember saying, 'Daddy, I love you' and then they left. I was sobbing so hard as I drove back to Provo that I had to stop on the shoulder of the freeway because I couldn't see, my eyes were so red and swollen. Soon after my parents arrived home, Dad went to see a cardiologist. They did all sorts of tests on him. A few days and several thousand dollars later the doctor still couldn't find anything wrong. He said that Dad's heart and lungs were in surprisingly good condition and that there was nothing wrong with them. While this was all going on my mom was starting to get a bad feeling about this medication that Dad had been taking. She did a little reading about it, and came to find out that one of it's many side effects was weakening of the heart. The risks of taking it were just too great so she convinced Dad to stop taking the medication and start up on his insulin again. Within a matter of days Dad's condition went from black to white. He was feeling a hundred percent better and was not having any problems at all. Soon after, Dad went in for an appointment with his regular doctor (the one who had prescribed this medication to him). He told my father that with the effect that this drug had on him in just the last three weeks, that if he had not stopped taking it Dad would have been dead in another week! Some 'miracle drug' it was. My relationship with my father has become even closer since this experience and that day we spent together. I doubt he even knows what that day meant to me, how hard it was yet still so very important to me. Even at his weakest moment, my father is the strongest man I know. He has been a teacher, an example and a best friend to me."

Third Story.

"After I had been in college for approximately a year, my grandfather (on my father's side) went into a coma. Previous to this time, my attitude toward my family was one of 'I am never going back.' For some reason, (which I discovered later) I felt that I should discontinue school and go to Dallas, Texas, where I could be of assistance to my grandmother. I proceeded to do so knowing that my father (who lived in Alabama) would be visiting. My hope was to be of comfort to my family, especially my father and grandmother, and also to see my grandfather once again before he passed away. With hardly any money and a bag full of food donated by roommates and friends, I boarded a bus to Dallas. Upon arrival, I went straight to the hospital where my family was gathered. I walked into the hospital room unprepared for what I was to see. There lay my once able grandfather with numerous tubes and apparatus surrounding him. His breathing was labored. I was told he was still in his coma and that he was paralyzed on his left-hand side . . . I took my grandfather's hand and told him how much I loved him. Previously, the family had been taking turns staying with my grandfather so he would never be alone. It was my father's 'shift.' It was night time and I was tired, but I chose to stay with my father realizing that this may be the only time that I had to share with him before he [my grandfather] died. Something magical happened that night as my father and I talked, each holding the hand of a dying member of our family. We talked about things we'd never discussed. I asked questions that I had never had answers for. I started to understand my father . . . My grandfather's slow, struggled breathing served as a mediator and peacemaker as we discussed topics that could have ignited with emotion . . . That night as we talked, I began the healing process. The next morning I woke up with a momentary start . . . I could tell that this time for my father was very precious and that I had been privileged to be there with him. I felt an emotional bond with my father that I had never felt before. I stood up, stretched, and walked to the window which overlooked the Dallas horizon. As I peacefully gazed out the window, the beauty of the morning sun reflected off the skyscrapers filling my view with the dazzling morning colors of pink and orange. It was beautiful. I thought of the occurrences of the previous night and my heart felt peace. This was a new peace. It was a peace I had never felt before. It was the peace that is felt by a daughter who realizes for the first time that she has a father who loves and cares about her."

In an example of ethical work, this father doesn't allow his competitive nature get in the way of supporting his daughter run a race.

"Each year, the physical education department of my junior high school sponsored a 3 mile fun run, named the "Cougar Challenge." Students and parents were encouraged to enter the race. As members of the basketball team, my coach told us that we were required to run the race, which was to be held early on a Saturday morning. I decided to ask my father, who is a seasoned runner, to participate in the race. Since my father was always looking for a race to run in, he naturally accepted the invitation. We ran a couple of times before the race and he gave me pointers. We even went to the junior high and ran the course we would run for the race. The day of the Cougar Challenge arrived. We got to the school and stretched and warmed up together. Many people were there, including many of my friends and their fathers and/or mothers. Since many of these people were also our neighbors, my father knew them and acknowledged their presence. My dad joked around with them about placing bets on which one of them would win their division. The race began. We got a good start and established a pace that was faster than what I was used to running. We pulled ahead of my friends quickly. I expected my father to eventually pass me up and I even challenged him before the race to run hard and beat my physical education teachers. As we ran, though, he never left my side. My pace started to slow as the race progressed, which slowed him down a great deal. But he never pulled ahead, though it would have been so easy for him to do so. Gradually, my friends' fathers started to pass us up--the same ones that my father had jokingly challenged before the race. They had passed up their daughters, and they were competing fiercely among themselves. My dad kept by my side, though, encouraging me to push harder. As a result, I placed third out of all the girls in the school who ran it. My father didn't place. It was the hardest race I have ever ran, and I would not have done so well if he hadn't stayed by my side, prodding and encouraging me to do my best. Given the competitive nature of my father, what he did was an extremely unselfish act and typifies his character."

In this story, a daughter tells how her father coaxed her out of a slump by caring for her through doing little things. This illustrates the importance of relationship work.

"My dad is a full-time father. His illness, though devastating at first, has proved to be a blessing in disguise many times. Having him at home turned out to be one of those camouflaged blessings. I have come to know him much better, and he has come to know me much better as well because he is around to see me in all my wonderful moods. Point in case: two weeks ago I was going through a minor burnout that, at the time, seemed like the end of the world. I cried over every little thing, and I wanted to establish a permanent home under my covers. Now as a female I am entitled to go through this pseudo-end-of-the-world crisis at least once a month; it's normal. But since I haven't lived at home for over two years, my dad was more than a little alarmed by my behavior. His concern for me turned into compassion, and I was quite touched. My dad isn't emotional very often, but I know that he does have a sensitive side to him. So getting back to my story, the morning after he had seen me burst into tears, he came into my room and, speaking to me as if I were five years old, asked me if I would like a nice warm bowl of cream of wheat. Now I know that it was cold outside, but I am not a huge cream of wheat fan no matter what the temperature maybe. Still, the way he peeked his head inside my door and asked me was so adorable that I just couldn't say no. He ran down the stairs like a boy on Christmas morning to start making breakfast. A few minutes later there was a knock on my door. It was my dad. By the look on his face, you would have thought that Old Yeller had died. He sadly informed me that we were out of cream of wheat, but that there was still some Malt-O-Meal left if I wanted that instead. I told him that would be fine. I was trying hard not to laugh. He was being so cute! About twenty minutes later, I came bolting down the stairs to eat breakfast. My dad was sitting at the table, reading the paper. To my surprise, there was only one serving of Malt-O-Meal in the pan. Puzzled, I asked my dad if anyone else was going to eat it. He looked at me, equally puzzled, and said, 'No, I just made it for you.' Perhaps you find it strange that I tell this story, but this experience I had with my dad had a huge impact on me. It truly is the little things in life that make a difference, and this was no exception. That chilly morning, a bowl of Malt-O-Meal may have warmed my body, but my dad warmed my heart."

Biller and Mark Reuter (1993, p. 77) found that fathers who had consistent and relatively warm contact with their children helped provide a good foundation for their child's later development. Sometimes the small things, the small bits of time fathers spend with their children leave impressions of a lifetime.

The beautiful little creek ran through the pasture. On each side the willow trees grew. One summer afternoon, Dad and I stopped by the willows. Dad was telling me stories about when he was young. He told me a story of whistles and how he and his brothers had made whistles out of willow branches. He reached into his pocket and removed his knife, the knife that was always there. We cut a stick of willow and carefully slid the bark off. The stick was so smooth. He cut a notch in the wood, then cut a flat place on the wood. Next the bark was inserted back on, with a notch cut in the bark. He handed it to me. I looked at it and could see a groove between the bark and the willow wood. He asked me to blow on the end, and as I did, it emitted a sharp whistle. Small things, small bits of time, leave impressions of a lifetime.

Conclusion

FatherWork involves continually and adaptively being for one's child; the essence of fatherwork is constant, active responsiveness. Thus, generative fathering, like a great river, is both constant and moving. Children need to be able to flow along the river of growth that generative fathering provides. Children need the stability of the constant presence of a father in their lives combined with flexibility to meet children's changing needs. As a great river brings travelers along their journey, generative fathering provides opportunities for meaningful growth and assists a child move through life with confidence and joy; as a river provides sustenance on the journey, generative fathering provides a child sustenance and lifegiving love; as a river provides fun, excitement, and adventure, generative fathering nourishes a child through fun, humor, and adventure; as river-goers get on and off the river but always retain, in memory, the feel of quiet movement and exciting rapids, children of generative fathers depend on their fathers to both be a constant presence and yet to allow them to decide how often they avail themselves of their father's influence; as great rivers begin in mountains and end in oceans, generative fathering begins in the peaks of high principles and flows down until its journey is over; as great rivers are fed by smaller streams, generative fathering is nourished by other's efforts and encouragement. You, as a father, are called to be for your children what they most need for you to be as they move through a challenging and sometimes dangerous life.

More metaphors about fathering

Learning and Application Activities

Please complete one of the following:

1. Think of an experience you had with your father that captures the essence of your relationship with him. Write a story that relates this experience and submit your story to us.

2. Interview a father about what he thinks the three most important principles or practices of good fathering are and why. Ask him to tell personal stories that illustrate the principles or practices. Send your brief (about one page) "report" about what you learned from this experience to us via email.

3. Choose one or two of the stories from this module of FatherWork that you believe illustrate important principles or practices of good fathering. Then write a brief (about one page) "essay" that relates these stories to professional literature in your field on fathering, and submit this essay to us via email.

Intellectual & Academic Development

Overview

Fathers help their children grow intellectually and cognitively by taking an active involvement in their education. Education does not only encompass learning obtained outside the home, such as the school system, but within the home as well. When fathers show positive interest in their children's intellectual development, they are stimulating and enriching their children's creativity and communication skills. "Children with involved fathers generally experience much more success in school than those who come from paternally deprived families. It is important for the father to demonstrate consistent support, interest and encouragement for his young child's day-to-day school-related activities. However, the father can also contribute much to his child's education outside of school." (Biller, 1993, p. 130) He can do this by spending quality time with his children.

Stories

A daughter writes the following, expressing her appreciation for her father spending quality time helping her with her homework:

"When I look at the time he did spend with me, I appreciate mainly the things he taught me. He loved to challenge my understanding and bring new insights to my attention. I remember crying over math homework I didn't understand. He willingly spent hours at my side helping me figure it out. He took an active part in this responsibility. The main thing I appreciate about my father when it comes teaching, is the values he instilled in me. I grew to value education, getting good grades, and working hard to earn my own way. I attribute many of my accomplishments as well as my goals to him. I am grateful for a caring father who emphasized these values to me. I know he has always wanted the best for me and helped me continue in the right direction. Without a positive role model like my father, I often wonder where I would be today."

A father from South Africa shares how he regrets not spending quality time with his children to help stimulate their children's intellectual growth:

"I work seven days a week. It's just the nature of our work. I'm mostly to work. I mean you come home and you're so tired, you're not really in the mood for anything, you know? [My daughter] complains a lot . . . but she's not very happy with my seven day work. So, one day when I'm old it will probably all come back to me. When [my son] was in school, when for the first time he went to primary school, I wasn't there and I really wanted to take him to school myself, you know? His first day at school. I missed out on that. And the times when you as a parent have to go to the class and see how your son is progressing in class, I'm not there. I missed all those things. [My wife] was always the one that went. [She] is always the one that's been there for them. [I] would've liked very much to have been more involved in their schooling . . . And the worst part is when you leave again and they look at you with tears in their eyes. It really grates you. Those things that I went through, it was the worst part of life."

Another father of a special-needs child explains how a missed opportunity became an important turning point:

"[My son] had something like a book and asked me to sit down with him. I didn't have the time. I don't know if it was something he was doing or something he said, but something let me know that was the moment he needed to practice his verbal skills or his interaction skills. I said to myself, ‘I'll never let a moment like that pass again,' and I haven't . . .It has kind of been my stimulus to never let it happen again."

As difficult as it may be, fathers need to give their children room to grow. Those children can learn a great deal by simply living their lives and learning from their own mistakes. One South African father explains this well:

"I think the best teacher in life is things that you learn yourself through life. People can tell you things, but it doesn't really stick in your head, it just goes out by the one ear. You might listen to it, but you must experience it before you realize, look here, this is one point in my life that's wrong now. The decision must come from you. I don't believe that other people must make your decisions. Make your own decisions. Even if you make a mistake, you learn afterwards. As long as you're big enough and a person that has values by telling yourself, "Look, I made a mistake." Admit the mistake. I think the biggest thing in our lives today we must admit our mistakes and then carry on from there."

Although it is reality, unfortunately, there are fathers seem not to value education for their children. A young woman who did not receive the needed intellectual encouragement related the following experience, one that made her relationship with her father extremely painful:

"I ventured into the kitchen where my dad was drinking a beer and laughing with his fiance, Vicki. I began to explain to him how I wanted to return to school but how I didn't have any money. He started laughing and cut me off and said, "Bottom line, how much is this going to cost?" His jovial manner put me at ease and I thought for a few moments that I had worried about nothing. I began to talk about tuition and books, then rent and car insurance, and as the list got longer and longer the expression on his face turned from relaxed to almost angry. I explained how I was going to get a job when I got to school and that I would hopefully be able to earn enough money to pay for my basic needs, but that news didn't seem to ease the pressure he was obviously feeling. He angrily asked me how come I felt I was so entitled to his money and if I knew how hard it was to make a living. He wouldn't listen to any of my protests and became increasingly angry to the point where he was yelling at me and he didn't neglect to add a few expletives in the process. He slammed his fist on the table and asked me if I knew how much money he made the previous year. I said "no." His face turned a couple shades of deep red and [told me his salary], and looked at me as if I was supposed to understand right then and there why he didn't want to help me . . . I told him to forget it and went back downstairs to be with my sisters and try to recover from the experience. My dad came down about five minutes later and apologetically explained how much debt he was in and that he would really love to help me but that he could only afford to pay my half of my tuition. I really didn't know what to say. I was grateful yet at the same time I was outraged that a man making [as much as he was] and drove a brand new BMW and played golf everyday all over the country told his only daughter in college that he couldn't afford to give her a couple thousand dollars a year to get a quality education. I was even more incensed that he thought I felt entitled to a free education. I was a hard working student and person, and he had paid for my older sister's education in full and without complaint. I didn't even ask for all of the money I would need, just enough to get by without having to take out loans. My anger was replaced by a hollow feeling in my heart when I realized why I was so hurt. In all of the time that my parents have been divorced all he has given me is money. Money has been the replacement for the lack of love, support, encouragement, and time that he has demonstrated for me. I'm not saying that it has been a good replacement—in fact, it has been a horrible one—but it was for a long time the only one. When I saw that he was taking that away from me, too, I was so upset that my emotions soared beyond rational thinking. It was that day that I gave up all hope that my father would someday become the father I had always wanted him to be."

It is not always easy to obtain what is necessary for a father to put his children through school. They must make sacrifices, especially when it comes to finances. An education, however, can help the children learn lifetime experiences. This South African father explained the importance of gaining an education:

"It's [my son's] decision but we have to guide and assist him. Because education is very important, you know in terms of, from your primary school to your high school, and from your high school to your university. You've got to plan, you've got to think. It takes years because of finances how you're going to do it. I don't have a lot of money. Social work is my life also in South Africa. And those plans for two children. It requires a life long planning to ensure that. To make sure that they, you know, whatever I can do. I cannot secure their life, but as far as possible, make sure that if they ever want to study, that we're there. That is why I said to him the other day, "If you want to study, as long as you want to study and pass, you can do so. I think that the mind is important in life, the mind. I think that education provides that wider scope to be able to cope with life. I think problems will come, there will be many problems that will face us in life. I think the more education, the more one will be able to cope with it. It's part of the progress and satisfaction that the young person will get from life. I do think that you have all the problem issues that all people will face in life and they've got to work it out for themselves. Education is a security."

Creativity is an important part of intellectual development. A father who is encouraging his child to be creative can play a huge role in his overall learning capacity. Biller (1993, p. 107) wrote that "creativity can be viewed as the spice of the intellect. The creative process involves the imaginative joining or associating of ideas, materials or objects never before connected in a similar fashion." The following story comes from a father who encourages and appreciates his son's creativity:

"Schooling is [one of] the most important things that I do to meet my son's needs . . . I think that maybe it's helping him with his schoolwork in English classes. He uses the computer sometimes and I'm helping him with the computer and going through his work with him. He's really a pretty good writer in ninth grade and is quite a nice poet. Some of what I do is talking to him about his schoolwork and his creative work. . . . Recently I have recognized the creativity in him. He thinks of himself as a Michael Jordan [and] he has very creative writing skills."

When children succeed, fathers often feel as though they have succeeded as well. Biller (1993, p. 115) states that "the father's general support and interest seems to be more crucial in the development of the child's confidence and motivation than his direct participation in school-related activities." The following story is told by a South African man who gave this support to his children:

"Seeing their progress in school is very enjoyable. I want him to realize that one day he's going to see to his family, so if he practices his school today, he makes it better for himself tomorrow. When I felt very proud of him was when he . . . told me, "Daddy, it's Certificate's Day today." And I didn't realize that he was gonna get one. And when they called up the standard five, the most improved student of his class, he went up there. They called out his name and then everyone looked at me because they know I'm his dad. And he was [at] school. And the same with the daughter, that same year, she also came home with a certificate for most improved reader of the year . . . Their progress is my progress as well . . . I believe that education comes first from within the house."

Conclusion

FatherWork is being involved in the lives of children's intellectual and cognitive development. A father is a teacher. As a teacher trains his students to learn and grow, a father trains his children as well. He serves as their advisor by encouraging thinking and creativity. He is the master of the students in his home, and yet, at the same time, he is a mentor and counselor for them in their times of need. Although books help teachers explain important concepts, children learn most effectively by modeling the behaviors of their teachers. The mannerisms and actions of fathers as teachers will be imprinted on their children's hearts forever. Fathers, you are their teachers. Do not leave your responsibility up to someone else. Those little minds will look up to you and want to be like you; teach them now before it is too late.

More metaphors about fathering

Learning and Application Activities

Please complete one of the following:

1. Think of an experience in your life (or in the life of one of your clients) when your father played an important part in encouraging your intellectual or academic development (or when you helped your child). Write a story that recounts this experience and submit your story to us.

2. Interview 2-3 school teachers (preferably in different grades) about their views on the value of fathers' involvement in their children's academic development. Send us a brief report on what you learned via email.

3. Identify two public figures (current or historical), one male and one female, whose intellectual or academic development was influenced in important ways by their fathers. Submit your brief report to us via email.

Caring for a Child's Mother

Overview

One of the most important things any father can do is show his love and care for the mother of his children. Furstenberg stated that "a man's allegiance to his children is maintained in part by the bond he shares with the child's mother" (p.137). The ability of the husband to be nurturant and sensitive is a key to marital satisfaction but is also the key to successful parenting (Doherty, 1997). Thus the happier the marriage, the more likely there will be a positive father-child relationship (Biller, 1993, p. 29, 47; see also Doherty, 1997). Children who have the benefit of being exposed to kind, cooperative, respectful, and considerate interactions between their parents are more likely to have a positive solid basis for constructive male-female relationships (Biller, 1993, p. 190). In addition, when the father and mother are truly partners in parenting, parents will experience fewer disciplinary problems with their children and will be better able to handle developmental challenges and changes in their children across the lifespan (Biller, 1993, p. 84, 26). Even if the father and mother are no longer together, a child's well-being is greatly enhanced when fathers respect and support the mother of that child (Palm, 1997). Below are stories and experiences about this very important aspect of fathering.

Stories

When fathers demonstrate to their children a positive marital relationship, this encourages the development of intimacy in their own child's life (Snarey, 1993, p. 18). This passing on of values is an important part of mentoring work. A son related how he learned to respect his mother in this story.

"Growing up with my father was not always the easiest thing to do. I was the oldest boy and it seemed to me that I always had a lot of responsibility placed upon me. It seemed that I was always the one getting disciplined and being the one to show my other brothers and sisters what dad would and wouldn't allow. I remember one experience in particular of how my father taught me that I should respect his wife, also known as mom. I can't remember the exact details but I do remember that I told mom to shut up. Now I probably could have gotten away with it and mom would have felt bad and I would have said sorry and gone through the whole routine except for one miscalculation: dad was within hearing range. This is also where I can't remember a lot of details but I do remember feeling myself floating through the air with big hand clutching my collar and knowing that it was fruitless to kick or squirm, I waited for the worst to come. I knew I was in trouble first of all because we never said those words to anyone, especially not mother. I also had never heard my father talk to my mother like that, which gave me no justification or alibi. Thirdly, dad never waited to discipline me until the door was closed so I knew that this was going to be different than the other lessons I had previously learned. Well, my greatest fears were right on. To this day I don't think I have ever received such a lecture in all my life. He got through to me very clearly how I would treat my mother from then on and as much as I disliked the lesson I have since come to appreciate it and have learned from it. I still remember what he said, 'She's your mother but she's my wife!'"

One of the best ways a father can care for the mother of his children is by sharing the responsibilities of domestic work and child-rearing. Hawkins (1993), Hochschild (1989), and Ishii-Kuntz (1995) say that efforts in these areas can strengthen the husband-wife relationship and assist the father in his own development. This story, from the perspective of Sandy, is an example of how a father cared for his wife during physically challenging times, illustrating well the importance of relationship work.

"I had surgery about three years ago and we had just adopted Nicole and it wasn't even three years ago because she is only two and a half, and she was only three months old and it was a major surgery. I could not do hardly any of the things that I needed to do and he [Tom] was right there. Tom took care of the house as much as he could. He made appointments too, you know, have people come in and bring food. He cooked, he shopped, he helped my mother with all types of things, he took care of the children. He made sure that he brought the children up to see me because he knew how much that meant to me. And, I remember he brought them in, you know, one by one and lifted them up and let me see the kids. So he took care of me really well then, and there are several other times, but I remember that."

When fathers constructively share parenting responsibilities with the mother, not only is the mother a happier parent and wife, but the children are also far more likely to develop a healthy gender identity, self-acceptance, and personal competence (Biller, 1993, p. 19, 57). This story, from the perspective of Sandy, shows how a father constructively shared parenting responsibilities with his wife.

"During my pregnancies I was extemely sick! Oh, it was horrible! Oh, it was awful! And so, he [Tom] was very understanding and very considerate about that. He would come home sometimes from work... actually, there was a time I think that I felt nurtured by my husband even more. I had a miscarriage and the first miscarriage was really difficult, but then I got pregnant again and we really wanted the baby and I had another miscarriage. During the time before I had miscarried, but when I was starting to show signs of it, I was on bed rest... and I was just so depressed and so down...and total bed rest...and we were in the military and we had two small children. Tom would bring the kids to me in the morning, bring everything they needed, go to work and then come home at lunch, fix me lunch, make sure everything was in order, lay them down for naps in the room with me, and go back to work and come home and take care of the house again. It was incredible. I couldn't reach out for anybody at that point, I was too devastated. That sounds silly, I mean, just a lot of people go through more than that, but at that point the baby was so wanted. It was more than I could handle. So, I couldn't reach out to anyone and say, "Gee mom, can you come and help, or anyone else." Tom understood that and so he took it all on himself for a couple of days. And then someone discovered and came over and started helping.. then it was okay."

In a story illustrating ethical work, this husband tells of his pain at not being available for his wife at a time that she really needed him.

"How is my wife doing? I don't know right now. She's so understanding of my rough schedule, she gives me plenty of space to do it and just keeps on loving me quietly from a silent distance, waiting for Sunday to come. But there are those few times, I wish I had dropped everything I was doing to help my wife. I'm really good at rationalizing away my reasons for focusing completely on my work, and not on my wife's needs. One of those few times happened about a year ago. It was particularly rough trying to prepare for finals--I was taking a substantial number of credit hours, and working hard at a new job. My wife was so understanding, but she really wanted to talk to me about how she was feeling. I told her I needed her to take care of herself for awhile because my schedule was so tough, and I didn't want to get too stressed out and say something that would hurt her feelings. So she took care of herself for awhile (and me now that I think of it.) The dishes were always done, bathroom was always clean, and the bed was always made during that time. I could tell there was something she really wanted to talk about, but I just couldn't spare the time to ask about it. Then one Sunday morning, she began to feel a great deal of pain. At first, I thought it might be menstrual cramps, in my infinite wisdom of female health. But the pain grew steadily worse as the hours went on. She laid down on the bed and just held her abdomen. I tried to give her some pain killer, but it didn't seem to have much affect--these were really bad pains. She went into the bathroom, and came out crying, still in great pain. As it turned out, what she wanted to talk about was that she thought she was pregnant. It was exiciting news for her, and she wanted to tell me but didn't know for sure herself. Because I was so busy, she didn't want to burden me with another worry. But now, it was all over. She called her doctor, and he told her he wouldn't need to see her, but he was pretty sure the pain was an early miscarriage. The best thing to do is just try to stay in bed, take as much pain killer as you dare, and ride out the pain until its gone. While I was 'taking care of myself' my wife held the exciting news inside. She had to deal with the emotional attachment that comes with pregnancy by herself, and lose it by herself. I was not there to share her excitement; I could only offer my shoulder to cry on when it was all over. I never began to anticipate what our lives would be like with a new member of the family to take care of, until it was all over and all I could do is guess what it would be like. Looking back on that experience, I can just imagine how lonely she must have felt. I sometimes wish I could go back and change the past, all of the dumb mistakes I've made."

Conclusion

Allen and Connor (1997) state: "the relationship between a father and the mother of his children is potentially a major determinant of his ability to perform generative fathering" (p. 64). They maintain that if men desire to reach their full potential as generative fathers, they must develop healthy relationships with the mothers (see also Dohtery, 1997).

Learning and Application Activities

Please complete one of the following:

1. Think of an experience, personal or professional, that demonstrates the importance of fathers showing respect, care, and support for the mother of their children. Write a story that recounts this experience and submit your story to us.

2. Discuss the ideas taught on this page with the mother of your children, or another mother that you are close to. Ask her about her feelings on the importance of receiving respect, care, and support from her husband or the father of her children. Send your brief (about one page) "report" about what you learned from this experience to us via email.

3. Watch some movies or television shows for examples of fathers who do or do not show respect, care, and support for the mother of their children. Send your brief (about one page) "report" about what you learned from this sampling of movies and television shows to us via email.

Metaphors About Fathering

Fathering Infants

FatherWork with infants builds the foundation for a child's trust in the world. When a house has a firm foundation, its stability is increased. In the same way, a child's future rests on a foundation of trust built over time. Fathers are crucial in building that trust as they make daily choices to care for their children by providing for their children's needs and showing their love and concern. When fathers can work together with mothers, children's foundations of trust are formed by sharing the exhausting work of child care and financially supporting the family. By pouring their lives into making their children feel safe and having their needs met, generative fathers lay the beginnings of a rich and secure life for their children. Your child's sense of trust will be solidly formed when you involve yourself from day one.

Fathering Toddlers and Preschoolers

FatherWork with toddlers and pre-schoolers calls fathers to create an atmosphere of affectionate attention for their child that is adaptive, yet continuous and consistent. A healthy toddler's inner world is filled with many conflicting feelings - independence and dependence, confidence and doubt, initiative and passivity, and self-awareness and confusion. Just as a seesaw with an adjustable fulcrum compensates for a stronger pull on one end, fathers can adapt their parenting position to compensate for the general shifting emphasis toward his child's independence. However, the position of his fulcrum of love and support may change day to day as the child moves back and forth between these conflicting feelings. Fathers need to respect and support their child's initiative, autonomy, and self-confidence, but at the same time recognize their child's dependence and need for guidance.

Fathering School-Age Children

FatherWork with school-age children requires an attentive heart that is willing to meet the many challenges young children face. Some of these challenges are similar to school playgrounds that are full of difficult stretches, slippery slides, exciting whirls, and many ups and downs. Just as children stretch their large motor capabilities as they strive to climb higher or swing harder on various playground equipment, fathers must stretch to meet the changing capabilities and needs of their children as they choose to respond attentively and appropriately to them. School-age children are caught up in a whirlwind of rapid developmental changes physically, socially, cognitively, and emotionally. Fathers who choose to provide gentle guidance, warm appreciation, and a patient heart will become a friend forever in the child's playground of life.

Fathering Teenagers

FatherWork can be especially challenging when it involves teenage children who are stretching their wings towards greater independence. During these years, generative fathers can be the wind beneath the wings of their adolescent children as they fly farther and farther from the nest exploring a world full of opportunities and dangers. As teenagers search for a stable identity and choose a personal value system, fathers may feel unnoticed and distant from their teenagers. But as fathers work to build a strong and trusting relationship through the early years and continue to tell their maturing youth they love them, their teenagers will sense that quiet wind lifting their youthful wings and appreciate its strength and guidance. Although fathers walk a step behind their teenagers during these years, their children can still recognize their dads as one of the true heroes in their lives.

Fathering Adult Children

FatherWork is a lifelong commitment. When children are young, fathers are a shortstop , a coach, and even a team player in their child's game of life. As the innings progress and the child matures into adulthood, this relationship is not dissolved. Generative fathers learn to play different positions in their child's life; they now become an outfielder. An outfielder is not always in the action of the game, but they play an integral part. A generative father still gets to view his child's life, even if he is waiting for a fly ball for part of the game. Successful fathering is like a baseball game; participation is necessary throughout the entire game. As a father, it is up to you to be there for your children even as they grow into adulthood. By letting them know you will be part of their team, you allow them to play their best while remaining part of their lives.

Fathering Special Needs Children

FatherWork with special-needs children should and can be as wonderful and varied as special-needs kids themselves are. Fathers of special-needs children are ordinary men doing both ordinary and extraordinary things since parents of special-needs kids do the same things other parents do but usually have added burdens (and, often, added joys). Fatherwork with special-needs kids can be like the Special Olympics. Fathers can coach children to develop skills and confidence, provide opportunities for accomplishment, give encouragement and supportive cheering along the way, and present them with rewards for effort and accomplishment. Every special-needs child deserves a father that runs and jumps with her through the challenges of life, one that enthusiastically hugs him at the end of each little success, one that hangs medals on his neck with pride and love in his eyes, and one that, through his constant encouragement and love, places a continual stream of flowers in her hands. Your child (and all special-needs children) needs the coaching, cheering, encouraging, and assisting that you uniquely can give.

Fathering Non-Custodial Children

Just as a person listening to the radio must carefully tune into a station in order to understand the information, so must non-custodial fathers consistently be in tune with their children's lives. Even though thousands of miles can separate him from his children he can still tune his heart and mind toward them, by avoiding changing stations so as to avoid the pain of not being with his children on a daily basis. These fathers must make sure that they always have their radio turned on and tuned into their child's life. If they do, they can share in the beautiful moments of joy, as well as the heartache. However, if they are not tuned in now, they will realize that when they want to be heard and listened to, no one will be at the receiving end; rather they will only hear static.

Fathering Adopted Children

FatherWork extends itself beyond human bounds of creation and into the hearts and minds of children. Many families choose to graft branches into their existing family tree or may need to graft in order to have a family tree. As the new branch is grafted in, special care must be taken to ensure the new branch "takes root" within the family tree. It is essential that the nourishment that is provided from the trees deep roots is passed on through the newly forming network of internal connections, these are connections of love, understanding, and support. Fathers, you are a source of these essential elements for your child. You will find that as you give of yourself, the branches of your family tree will flourish and return to you the type of life giving love and support offered best by a family.

Fathering in Economic Hardship

FatherWork in economic hardship calls for creativity, sacrifice, and resourcefulness. Sometimes a father might feel like he is running the Boston Marathon as a three legged race. When he steps up to the starting line, his partner, financial stress, ties a rope around their legs. In the distance, this father can see the finish line that inspires him--caring for his children's needs. The gun goes off and everyone else seems to be sprinting by leaving him in the dust. As a father works to manage financial stress, he is able to move more quickly and can even lose this partner. It might take longer and have to be run (or even walked) in a different way, but the finish line can be met. His children's loving faces will cheer him on to cross the finish line and join them in celebration. Fathers then will receive the reward of knowing that his children have a chance in life because of his committed work. Hard work, simple acts of love, and sacrifice will show your children that you love them as you struggle to overcome economic hardship.

Fathering and Employment

FatherWork encompasses a man's stewardship to provide for and nurture his family. While a father's occupation may serve as a source of challenge and self-worth, the purpose of his employment must not be forgotten -- a father works to provide for his family. The purpose of a father's job is to ensure his family's survival and by so doing open the windows of opportunity for loving, nurturing relationships to flourish. Simply put, though a father's job may be a means of financial support, his career should always be his family, and often the balancing of time and resources between one's family and one's employment is a struggle. Much as a successful business company wisely manages its resources, so must a generative father wisely manage his time, energy, and commitment between his job and his family. Fathers, as you invest your time, energy, and love into building and strengthening your family you will find that being esteemed and "promoted" in the eyes of your children is far more rewarding than the fleeting glory and praise obtained by your labors in the workforce.

Relationship Work

FatherWork is important in creating bonds between fathers and their children. Much like two people rowing a canoe, fathers and their children must learn how to work together. At times, the father will have to paddle stronger or lighter to compensate for their child's paddling capacity, adjusting to their child's social, emotions, and physical abilities. Just as those traveling the water in a canoe must communicate with each other to accomplish their goal, fathers and children must communicate with each other to accomplish their goal, fathers and children must talk with one another in order for their relationship to take them across the waters of life. There are times along the waters of life when you will encounter rough waters, but as you work together you will pass them by. As you talk with your children and establish good relationships with them, together you will enjoy your canoe and the many places which it can take you.

Development Work

FatherWork involves adapting creatively to change in children, fathers, and the circumstances in which they live. Developing children need their fathers' care and fathers need to give that care for their own healthy development. But the universal constant of change, predictable or un-, in children, in adults, in circumstances, quickly outdates yesterday's caring response and demands new, adaptive, and creative responses to meet the challenges of today and tomorrow. Development work calls fathers to provide supportive conditions, resources, guidance, and love as children journey towards maturity. Generative fathers should be a treasured traveling companion for their children on this long and challenging trek, at times standing close together, working side-by-side, at other times observing and encouraging from a safe distance behind, but always a constant hand nearby to gently assist in holding the rudder when the course of life is uncertain, and an anchor of security in a sheltered bay when children need a rest from the strong winds and high waves of change.

Ethical Work

FatherWork involves working to secure children's survival and development. Like the constant beating of the heart, a generative father's steady, committed ethical work makes a child's abundant life possible and is the heartbeat of a healthy father-child relationship. Although these ethical choices can sometimes be uncomfortable, difficult, or even require sacrifice, generative fathers make them because they believe it will benefit their children. This undying commitment to meeting children's needs provides the strength necessary to continue the beat of fatherwork every day. With fathers' commitments to meeting children's needs followed by choices that reflect these commitments, the future of all children will be enhanced. As you choose to meet your child's needs, you will feel the pulse of that commitment and see the rich life that is now possible because of your committed work to care for your child.

Fathering and Faith

FatherWork involves turning one's heart to a child in faith, hope and charity by acting in ways that bless and keep (Malachi 4:5,6). Faithful,generative fathering consists of a father exercising faith in God and faith in his child(ren), hoping for all that is good for children and working to make those hopes a reality and showing pure love for children by giving them many good gifts (Matthew7:11). A father of Faith recognizes that "his" children are entrusted to him by God and therefore he views his stewardship overthem as significant and sacred. A father who consecrates and dedicates his life to his children will find a profound joy. Through continual love and service, wise direction, and patiently bearing with children through life's challenges, a father can turn his children's hearts to their Father in Heaven and be God's instrument in bringing them an abundant life blessed with peace.

The Essence of Fathering

FatherWork involves continually and adaptively being for one's child; the essence of fatherwork is constant, active responsiveness. Thus, generative fathering, like a great river, is both constant and moving. Children need to be able to flow along the river of growth that generative fathering provides. Children need the stability of the constant presence of a father in their lives combined with flexibility to meet children's changing needs. As a great river brings travelers along their journey, generative fathering provides opportunties for meaningful growth and assists a child move through life with confidence and joy; as a river provides sustenance on the journey, generative fathering provides a child sustenance and lifegiving love; as a river provides fun, excitement, and adventure, generative fathering nourishes a child through fun, humor, and adventure; as river-goers get on and off the river but always retain, in memory, the feel of quiet movement and exciting rapids, children of generative fathers depend on their fathers to both be a constant presence and yet to allow them to decide how often they avail themselves of their father's influence; as great rivers begin in mountains and end in oceans, generative fathering begins in the peaks of high principles and flows down until its journey is over; as great rivers are fed by smaller streams, generative fathering is nourished by other's efforts and encouragement. You, as a father, are called to be for your child what they most need for you to be as they move through a challenging and sometimes dangerous life.

Fathering and Athletic & Physical Development

FatherWork is being involved in the lives of one's children. As a father becomes involved in the physical or athletic development of his children he assumes the position of coach, and a good coach is much like a good father. A coach commits himself to spending many long hours of practice with his players in preparation for the big game, drills are used to sharpen skills, strengths and weaknesses are identified, special plays are formulated to build upon the strengths of the individual players, and words of encouragement are exclaimed as the players struggle to refine the old and learn the new. Generative fathers recognize this time with their children to be an opportunity to connect, a time to influence and be influenced by the next generation. Fathers, your team has the biggest game of all to play, the game of life, and they need your help to be ready.

Fathering and Moral Development

FatherWork in the area of moral development must be an effort of endless devotion. A wise shepherd knows that he cannot force his prized sheep to always remain on the safe path, instead he strives to guide them along the path with his staff of kindness. The shepherd's first concern is for his sheep, they are his work and his love. His fulfillment comes through guiding them to the meadows and streams which will bring them the richest joy. A generative father feels the trust of his child and feels the profound responsibility to teach, guide, and set an example to the best of his ability. Like the wise shepherd, a generative father's concern and guidance are constant for both sheep who need little correction and for those who frequently get lost. Frustration comes and goes but hope remains constant. No father knows where all the dangers are or where the wolves lie in wait but as you strive to guide your children with a staff of kindness and a loving example, you WILL bless their lives and find with them the joy of peaceful pastures.

Learning and Application Activities

Please complete one of the following:

1. Create your own fathering metaphor, and explain its significance. Send us your metaphor via email.

2. Share one or two of the metaphors in this module with a creative friend or co-worker who enjoys "playing" with words and images. Discuss the principles it teaches and how it can be used to encourage generative fathering. Write a brief (about one page) "report" about what you learned from this experience to us via email.

3. Review in your mind the professional literature in your field about fathering. What are some of the metaphors used or implied in that literature to describe fathering? Send a brief (about one page) "report" about what you learned from this review to us via email.

Fathering and Moral Development

Overview

For many fathers, the moral development of their children presents a fundamental concern. This segment addresses this escalating concern and exhibits some related successes.
Families are similar to houses; stable foundations add to the strength and durability of both structures. In an age of weak and shifting values, fathers who provide a solid moral foundation for their children give them a reliable base to stand upon. "A father's absence from the home [has been] associated with children's tendency to engage in problem behaviors" (Marsiglio, 1993, p.11). Whether children are making challenging decisions, determining priorities, or simply interacting and conversing with others, their moral roots provide a compass that can bless their lives.

Stories

Through mentoring work, fathers can instill in their children correct morals and values which will help their children deal with obligations in life. By refusing to tolerate vulgar language in his home, even at the expense of a business transaction, the father in the following story sent a lasting message to his son.

"Dad had a used chainsaw he wanted to sell. Frank came to the house to discuss it with him. He came in and sat down, and began to tell a smutty story. Dad stopped him. 'Hey, we don't talk like that with kids sitting here.' Frank looked at him like a bull looking at a new gate-- and continued his story. Dad stopped him again. 'That's enough of that.' Frank responded with an obscene and offensive oath... Dad reached across the coffee table and bear-slapped him clear over the arm of the chair. It sounded like a pistol shot. 'Now get out of here!' Dad ordered. 'Wait a minute-- what about the saw?' Frank asked as he picked himself off the floor. '[If] You don't know how to act in another man's house, you got no need to be doin' business with him...' I don't know when or whether the saw was ever sold but I did learn that a certain brand of language was unacceptable in our home."

Nurturant fathers who encourage free expression of opinions, initiative and perserverance are helping to develop a solid foundation for their children's independence and later life achievements (Biller, 1993, p. 150). The fathers in the following accounts encourage their children to make moral decisions but show respect for their children's agency by allowing their children to express their ideas and make the final decisions. These stories are great examples of development work.

"He [Dad] has taught me the proper way to live, and has helped me make right choices. One experience I had with my dad illustrates this perfectly. When I was fifteen years old I was with some friends who wanted to watch an R-rated movie. I called my dad from their house and asked him if I could watch the movie. He just replied, 'I shouldn't have to say anything to you. You can make the choice.' I quickly made the choice to go home and I realized that my father had saved me from doing a wrong act, but he also let me make the choice myself."

Second Story.

"When I was twelve years old, I thought the world revolved around basketball in general and the Jazz in particular. At the time I listened to all of the Jazz games over the radio because our family did not have a TV. Monday nights were a special family night for our family. We were not to schedule anything on Mondays so that we could enjoy that one evening together. One Monday afternoon my best friend called me and invited me to go see a Jazz game IN PERSON with his dad and brother that night! I was ecstatic! Seeing a Jazz game on TV was a rare treat but seeing my first NBA game 'live' would be a dream come true. Suddenly, my heart sank... it was family night. I quickly figured that I could whine my way into a 'Go ahead and go' response from my parents even though I knew that I should keep my commitment to my family. When I approached my Dad with the big question, he paused for a while and then replied, 'Son, you are old enough to know what you should do. You can make the decision for yourself.' This was not the answer I expected. If Dad had simply said 'No', I would have driven him crazy until he relented. Then I could have enjoyed the game guilt free because (in MY mind) his consent would have served as a pardon from my commitment to our family night. However, he was wise enough to place the choice AND THE CONSEQUENCE fully on my shoulders. If I saw my game I would have to do it knowing I had pushed my family down on the list of my priorities. I elected to stay home with my family and although I do not remember what we did that night I have remembered how my Dad let me exercise my agency and learn that the choice which leaves you with a clear conscience is always the best way to go."

The following three stories illustrate mentoring work. In dealing with the discipline of his errant son, the father in this experience shows his pain and disappointment regarding his son's decision while still showing his love for him. Both components of the father's reaction harmonized to instill a lasting moral impression in the son.

"I was ten years old and I got caught stealing. The hardest part wasn't being caught. If the store manager just would have called the police and had the policeman come to me and give me a lecture and had him say what might happen, then everything would have been fine... The store manager caught us and he didn't call the police. He called our parents and said, 'Can you please come up here? I have your kids and there are some things we need to discuss.' That wasn't the worst part. The worst part was that when our parents came to the store the manager did not say a word. He simply said, 'I think your kids have something to tell you.' So, I had to tell my father that I'd gone in and tried to steal... from the store. The shock-- the loving was always in his eyes, but you could tell that I had hurt him in that I would consider doing something like that. To know that I had hurt my father was very difficult... he was very proud of his name. For the first time in my life I felt like I had damaged his name, and I'd let him down. That was a painful lesson to learn. The lesson was that there are a lot of other consequences down the road which you need to answer based upon the decisions that you make, and sometimes you don't even know what those consequences are. As a little ten-year old kid you think that you get caught, they slap your wrist, you give back [what you have stolen] and you're out the door. You don't realize how deep and far it can go."

The daughter in the following account relates how her father's concern and patience helped her to escape depression and develop a selfless new perspective.

"I was having a very difficult time accepting the fact that I had to leave all my friends and school activities in Huntington Beach and move to Washington. I still had two years left in high school and I was feeling very cheated that I had to leave behind all that I loved and start over again. One night I was particularly upset--more than usual. I was crying almost uncontrollably and went to my mom and sister for consolation. I pleaded with them and tried to tell them that I just couldn't move. I did not know how I could handle it. I felt as though I was in the depths of despair. They could offer no sympathy for me because they saw my display as childish and selfish. I wasn't the only one moving but I seemed to be only concerned with my own problems. I felt even more desperate and just sort of collapsed on the couch in my sobbing. I didn't really remember falling asleep but I remembered being awakened much later by my father. He was gentle and soothing. I didn't say anything and he simply had compassion on me. He said that if there were any other easy way they could make it easier on me they would. Then he asked if we could say a prayer together. He said a sweet prayer that I might be okay through the move. Then I went back to sleep. From that time on my attitude began to change 180 degrees."

In the following story, a father teaches values that impact his child's life.

"I was in the ninth grade and had some heavy duty math homework. Ninth grade math was not easy for me. I struggled with the problems and often looked to the back of the book for help. In the back of every math book the answers to all the odd numbered problems are found. These answers are to help students with the concepts and allow them to work the even-numbered problems on their own. One evening when dad was checking my homework, he noticed that I was getting half of the problems right and half of them wrong. Dad began to ask questions and I told him I didn't understand the concepts in the book. I told Dad I was looking in the back of the book for answers. Now before I tell you what Dad did, let me preface this by saying, I think there was a lot weighing on his mind that day and Dad was stressed about something besides me. I couldn't see this at the time and maybe that's why it affected me so much. After I explained to Dad what I did, he sat back in his chair and got the most disappointed look on his face and began to cry!! Can you believe it? He cried and cried and told me how disappointed he was in me and that I was lacking integrity when I cheated like that. It just about killed me. I really looked up to my dad and didn't want to hurt or disappoint him. After that incident I never 'cheated' from the back of the book again. Although I can't say my math grades improved much after that, my Dad taught me a lesson more valuable than math. Dad taught me personal integrity is more important than anything else. Dad lives by this rule and has more integrity than any man I know."

These last two stories are especially powerful because they exemplify how moral development can blossom in life's most trying situations. The forgiveness and reconciliation evident in these accounts remind us that a change of heart and some moral effort can result in the most priceless of rewards. They show the power of relationship work in moral development.

"After I had been in college for approximately a year, my grandfather (on my father's side) went into a coma. Previous to this time, my attitude toward my family was one of 'I am never going back.' For some reason (which I discovered later), I felt that I should discontinue school and go to Dallas, Texas, where I could be of assistance to my grandmother. I proceeded to do so knowing that my father (who lived in Alabama) would be visiting. My hope was to be of comfort to my family, especially my father and grandmother, and also to see my grandfather once again before he passed away. With hardly any money and a bag full of food donated by roommates and friends, I boarded a bus to Dallas. Upon arrival, I went straight to the hospital where my family was gathered. I walked into the hospital room unprepared for what I was to see. There lay my once able grandfather with numerous tubes and apparatus surrounding him. His breathing was labored. I was told he was still in his coma and that he was paralyzed on his left-hand side...I took my grandfather's hand and told him how much I loved him. Previously, the family had been taking turns staying with my grandfather so he would never be alone. It was my father's 'shift.' It was night time and I was tired, but I chose to stay with my father, realizing that this may be the only time that I had to share with him before he (my grandfather) died. Something magical happened that night as my father and I talked, each holding the hand of a dying member of our family. We talked about things we'd never discussed. I asked questions that I had never had answers for. I started to understand my father... My grandfather's slow, struggled breathing served as a mediator and peacemaker as we discussed topics that could have ignited with emotion...That night as we talked, I began the healing process. The next morning I woke up with a momentary start... I could tell that this time for my father was very precious and that I had been privileged to be there with him. I felt an emotional bond with my father that I had never felt before. I stood up, stretched, and walked to the window which overlooked the Dallas horizon. As I peacefully gazed out the window, the beauty of the morning sun reflected off the skyscrapers filling my view with the dazzling morning colors of pink and orange. It was beautiful. I thought of the occurrences of the previous night and my heart felt peace. This was a new peace. It was a peace I had never felt before. It was the peace that is felt by a daughter who realized for the first time that she has a father who loves and cares about her."

Second Story.

"In the process of dying my father was ill and would frequently call us over to be with him. I can't think of a specific moment, but it was just those times that he called us over to talk about religious things with us. He always called for a blessing. That was basically our relationship--either arguing over a gospel topic or discussing it, one way or the other.....He always wanted... his immediate children, to finish music lessons and none of us took more than a year or two. But his grandkids have excelled in music and so as he was dying, within a month of his death, they took a flute and violin over there and two of the girls played for him. That was somehow a connection between him and me and them, and so it was... an emotional time because I knew that it meant something deep to him. For me it's reconciliation, because we didn't have an open relationship as an adolescent and a parent. I was able to kiss him and hug him while he was dying. Everything just melted away and there were no more bad feelings."

Conclusion

FatherWork in the area of moral development must be an effort of endless devotion. A wise shepherd knows that he cannot force his prized sheep to always remain on the safe path. Instead, he strives to guide them along the path with his staff of kindness. The shepherd's first concern is for his sheep; they are his work and his love. His fulfillment comes through guiding them to the meadows and streams which will bring them the richest joy. A generative father feels the trust of his child and feels the profound responsibility to teach, guide, and set an example to the best of his ability. Like the wise shepherd, a generative father's concern and guidance are constant for both sheep who need little correction and for those who frequently get lost. Frustration comes and goes but hope remains constant. No father knows where all the dangers are or where the wolves lie in wait, but as you strive to guide your children with a staff of kindness and a loving example, you will bless their lives and find with them the joy of peaceful pastures.

More metaphors about fathering

Learning and Application Activities

Please complete one of the following:

1. Think of an experience in your life (or in the life of one of your clients) when your father did or did not instill good moral values in you. Write a story that recounts this experience and submit your story to us.

2. Think of three activities that a father can do with his children in order to promote positive moral development. (Be sure to include age-specific activities.) Send us your activities via email.

3. Watch several television shows or movies and note what values fathers are teaching (or not teaching) their children. What values receive the most emphasis? Do you agree with this emphasis? Do you wish there were other moral values emphasized more? Send a brief (about one page) "report" about what you learned from this experience to us via email.

Fathering and Athletic & Physical Development

Overview

The involved father is likely to have significant influence on his child's body image, fitness, and interest in athletics because of the time spent playing sports with his children (Biller, 1993, p. 153). These activities may range from helping a child learn to walk to helping train them in the hurdles. No matter how diverse these activities may be, they all seem to have the ability to develop cherished memories that last a lifetime.

Stories

Biller (1993, p. 162) suggests that when fathers support their daughter's physical competence, it enhances her self-confidence, assertiveness, and potential for success in athletics. In the following example of ethical work, this daughter shares an experience of how her father's support during an annual school race helped her.

"Each year, the physical education department of my junior high school sponsored a 3 mile fun run, named the 'Cougar Challenge.' Students and parents were encouraged to enter the race. As members of the basketball team, my coach told us that we were required to run the race, which was to be held early on a Saturday morning. I decided to ask my father, who is a seasoned runner, to participate in the race. Since my father was always looking for a race to run in, he naturally accepted the invitation. We ran a couple of times before the race and he gave me pointers. We even went to the junior high and ran the course we would run for the race. The day of the Cougar Challenge arrived. We got to the school and stretched and warmed up together. Many people were there, including many of my friends and their fathers and/or mothers. Since many of these people were also our neighbors, my father knew them and acknowledged their presence. My dad joked around with them about placing bets on which one of them would win their division. The race began. We got a good start and established a pace that was faster than what I was used to running. We pulled ahead of my friends quickly. I expected my father to eventually pass me up and I even challenged him before the race to run hard and beat my physical education teachers. As we ran, though, he never left my side. My pace started to slow as the race progressed, which slowed him down a great deal. But he never pulled ahead, though it would have been so easy for him to do so. Gradually, my friends' fathers started to pass us up -- the same ones that my father had jokingly challenged before the race. They had passed up their daughters, and they were competing fiercely among themselves. My dad kept by my side, though, encouraging me to push harder. As a result, I placed third out of all the girls in the school who ran it. My father didn't place. It was the hardest race I have ever ran, and I would not have done so well if he hadn't stayed by my side, prodding and encouraging me to do my best. Given the competitive nature of my father, what he did was an extremely unselfish act and typifies his character."

Fathers play an important role in nurturing their child's sense of bodily adequacy and self-esteem (Biller, 1993, p. 153). This father shares the joy both he and his son felt when he was able to teach his handicapped son how to make hand gestures to a song. This story illustrates development work.

"When he (a son with Down Syndrome) was about two years old and we were living in Pittsburgh I was home babysitting. It must have been Saturday. Pam and our other child were off somewhere and he and I were playing. I taught him and he learned the hand expressions to the song 'Popcorn Popping on the Apricot Tree.' He and I sat and sang and played that all afternoon on that day. It took all afternoon but he did learn, and by the time his Mom got home he knew it. It was pretty amazing. He has no recollection of that at all, but for me that is the most enjoyable experience that I can think of with him."

A father's positive involvement in encouraging his children's interest in athletic activities can contribute in significant ways to the child's personal and social adjustment (Biller, 1993, p. 163). In the following story illustrating relationship work, a son expresses gratitude for his father's undeviating support both in and out of athletics.

"The one that sticks out was when I was wrestling in high school. I was going for the state championship. He and all my brothers were there -- there are six boys in the family, so there were five boys there with Dad. You wrestle with all these other guys all year round, but he was there when I won. I didn't care about everybody else -- Dad was there. That's the way he's always been. Every football game I ever played he was always there. He's always been there. I'll just always remember him there, no matter what. We were in a state championship game in football and it came down to a last-second field goal. I was the field goal kicker and I missed it. I went home and was going to go with some friends somewhere. Dad was out cutting wood and feeding the horses, and I went and talked to him. He just said, Well, sometimes you do and sometimes you don't.' But I could always talk to Dad and tell him anything, no matter what I did, whether it was wrong or right. You could always tell Dad, and he always stood behind you."

In the following experience, a father learns the fleeting and irreplaceable nature of developmental events.

"He had something like a book and asked me to sit down with him. I didn't have the time. I don't know if it was something he was doing or something he said, but something let me know that was the moment he needed to practice his verbal skills or his interaction skills. I said to myself, 'I'll never let a moment like that pass again,' and I haven't . . . It has kind of been my stimulus to never let it happen again. I had a similar experience at the other place we lived. One of the kids was out trying to ride a bicycle and I came home. One of the kids asked me to come out and help them learn to ride or watch them, and I went out there in pain. I thought, 'I don't know why I'm doing this,' but something forced me to go out and suffer some more. But she learned to ride the bike that day. I just held her up for a second and ran along by her and next thing I knew she was riding the bike . . . You do learn things almost instantaneously when they do happen, and if you miss that moment then you've missed the moment. There is nothing else you can say . . . You have to do them or you miss them forever, and I mean forever . . . I don't want those moments to pass with me and my children."

A father's positive acceptance of his child's gender and bodily appearance has a great impact on the child's concept of a healthy body image (Biller, 1993, p. 168). Although the child in this story is only three months old, the father's expressed appreciation and wonder in his growing son's physical development may also encourage later development of his son's healthy body image.

"When Stan was three months old I laid him in the bottom of the tub and put in a washcloth so he wouldn't slide around. I put him in the bottom of the tub and slowly filled it with water until it was at his ear level, so that I knew if he turned one way or the other he could at least be safe. He didn't have very good motor movement at the time as a baby and was sort of jerky, but once he got into the water like that almost immediately his motor coordination began. I don't know how to explain it, but he started kicking and moving his arms, he brightened up and there was something almost transcendental about the moment of looking into his eyes while he was there in the water and he was making a moment of progression in his body. Somehow he was on his own. It's very difficult to explain it, but you could see the water, his eyes and the sky in all that one moment. It was just an important moment for me. . . . It may just be because you have moments when you look at people and there is a connection there which is inexplicable. I can't explain it. I looked into his eyes and said something. It was just a tie between father and child."

A father, through development work, levels the playing field only to be out done by his son.

*"My son Jeffrey is just getting to the age where he is proficient athletically. A few weeks back we were playing racquetball and I was being generous to keep the game close. After one particularly obvious feigned miss he turned to me and said, 'Dad, why do you keep giving me points? Why don't you just play your best?' Apparently he didn't like my patronizing play. Then a thought came to me. Jeffrey is a Southpaw. I said, 'OK, but we both have to play with our left hands.' He smiled and I switched hands with the racquet. Then we both played our hearts out. He won two games to one and we were both enthusiastic about playing again. The competition was exhilarating but it didn't really matter who won."

*These stories are taken from the DAD/S newsletter with permission by its editor Jeff Hill.

ConclusionFatherWork

is being involved in the lives of one's children. As a father becomes involved in the physical or athletic development of his children he assumes the position of coach, and a good coach is much like a good father. Good coaches have a great influence on their players both on and off the court. This off-court influence is derived from the great amount of time they have spent working with their players on the court, growing close to them, learning of their strengths, weaknesses, and needs, encouraging them when they struggle, and always believing in them; likewise is the stewardship of the father. Whether he is running alongside a wobbling bike, playing his child in a match of one-on-one, or patching up a child's confidence after a bad game, a father's hand of encouragement will stay with the child far beyond the court upon which they play. Fathers, as you coach your children in their physical development and athletics, you will find that they will develop confidence and learn to be a team player. With you as their coach, your children will know that they can succeed both in the arena of sports and on the field life.

More metaphors about fathering

Learning and Application Activities

Please complete one of the following:

1. Think of an experience, personal or professional, on the effect of recreational activities on father/child relationships. Write a story that recounts this experience and submit your story to us.

2. Submit three quotations from professional or popular literature on the positive effects of recreational activities on father/child relationships. Send us these quotations via email. (Be sure to include the references.)

3. Identify a child whose father is not often available to do fun physical activities with him or her. Receive permission and engage in some recreational activity with him or her. Send a brief (about one page) "report" about what you learned from this experience to us via email.

Fathering and Employment

Overview

Trying to deal with the trials of balancing employment and fathering is a challenge many fathers struggle within today's busy world. A father's career is very important to him for several reasons. Primarily, it is the means by which he provides for his family. "Paid employment is an important arena for father's generative work...[and is] a central way that fathers contribute to their children's well-being" (Dollahite, Hawkins, & Brotherson, 1997, p. 22; see also Allen & Connor, 1997). A father's career also serves as a source of personal challenge and self-worth. But careers place many demands upon a father's limited resources, such as time and energy. The struggle to find a delicate balance between the spheres of one's employment and family is one that is always underway.

Stories

The stories in this section illustrate the importance of stewardship work in caring for the family's growth and survival. The following experience relates one father's perspective on the importance of providing for his family.

"Seven years ago I was in a partnership in construction and it went sour. The company got into a bad situation and, without going into a lot of detail, the bottom line is that I left. All I had known was construction for five or six years, since I'd been home from my mission [for his church]. I didn't know anything else, and construction was gone. There were no homes being built, no job opportunities, and I'd soured on it from what happened. Basically what ended up happening is that I ended up losing a home from it, was unemployed and didn't have money. I learned from my family that they are survivors. You face situations. Nothing is ever critical. There's always a tomorrow. You're not going to die, etc. Yes, it might be important or a sticky situation, but you'll face it and tomorrow you'll go on. For the first time in my life, I didn't feel like there was a tomorrow. I had no money. I had bill collectors coming to the door. When it really got to me was when I realized that I didn't have enough money to buy a loaf of bread to feed my wife and my one child at the time. When you are put into situations like that, you lose all self confidence and all feelings of self worth. You're just devastated and you really feel like you're not worth anything.It was at that time when we realized that we didn't have enough money to buy a loaf of bread that my father could sense that something was wrong. They didn't know how bad it was and they didn't know what the situation really was, but they just showed up with some groceries. They acted as if "We don't know what you need, but we have some extra and here it is." It's probably one of the few times that I've cried in front of my father."

It is because of the importance of providing for their families that many fathers struggle with sacrificing time away from their children and wives in order to support them. "For many men...working hard to provide for their families is the primary way they express interest in their children's lives (Hawkins, 1993, p.49; see also Allen & Connor, 1997). One father shares this experience:

"In 1985, I came out of the Army since I was passed over, and had to restart my law practice. So we came to Provo and started the law practice, and my needs overrode everything. . . It hasn't been until about a year and a half ago that we switched the law practice and went back into the military because of an opportunity I had. It's given me more time to come back and develop ties with Jeremy. I think he got shortchanged in that process of having this very demanding private practice, in which we were trying to make enough income to support us. I think Jeremy just flat got shortchanged. He's been there and always done the right things. He is a good son and I can trust him to do the right thing, but I haven't spent a lot of time with him. So, it's very difficult. I really think my private practice overshadowed making some issues important. . . I can see me sacrificing for [the] private practice more than I can for Jeremy, and that's really an unfortunate comment on the economics of the times."

Michael Lamb (Parke, 1996, p.51) explains that there are three types of interaction that fathers have with children. Fathers directly interact with their children, are available for interaction, and care for their children's needs through taking responsibility. Although a father might think that he is not directly involved with his children when he is working outside of the home, it is involvement. A son describes the sacrifice that his father made to support his family:

"My dad had seven children and a job that didn't pay all that much, and so he was repairing and restringing bows, working in the Navy Reserve, etc... I remember him having three or four different jobs at one point, in which he would do something. But he needed that, you know, he really did. It wasn't easy for him keeping the family fed. So, he had to spend a lot of time. He recognized this and he sent us to college, and paid our tuition for those of us that didn't have scholarships. He gave us a stipend every month to live so we wouldn't have to work, so that we could study, so that we could get out and get good jobs. It really boggled my mind when I graduated with my master's degree and found out that my starting salary was about equivalent to what my dad was earning right then, and it's doubled since then. He really had to struggle hard."

Employment can sometimes interfere with father involvement in the home if it is not handled appropriately (Hawkins & Dollhhite, 1997; Gerson, 1997; Deinhart & Daly, 1997). In spite of the challenges, many fathers have found novel ways to make more time for their families. The following are stories of how different fathers are creating more time to spend with their families:

*"Just wanting to spend time with your kids is not enough. You've got to be creative and make time for them. For example, instead of taking the hospital shuttle bus from St. Luke's hospital in 113th street to our apartment on 37th street, I started jogging home through Central Park. By combining my exercises with my travel time home, I created new time for my family. . . As a resident in the hospital there are times when I'm away from home several days at a time. In that case we have to go to extra lengths to share activities. We will do anything just to be together. We've even had a BBQ on the roof of a hospital in the middle of Harlem. I may have just come from treating the casualties of the drug war, but seeing my family immediately transports me into a unique and loving world. . .While the other residents talk about getting out the orthopedic books as soon as they get home, I get out the legos and play with Brandon. In Manhattan you have to be right with your children all the time. You can't trust them to even cross the street alone. So I've developed into Brandon's major playmate. Because of this I always try to say "Yes" when he asks me to play. Even if I have to be going somewhere in fifteen minutes, I will say "Yes" and play. I don't want him to hear me say "No" too often."

*"My basic belief over the years has been to take the kids with me whenever I could. Because I have been self-employed much of my career or I've had lenient bosses, I've been able to share a lot of wonderful experiences with them. . . If I had to work at night at a newspaper as a writer, I took them and their color crayons so they could play at my desk and color pictures. If I was doing seminars, I took them on overnight trips so we could go sight-seeing together when I wasn't teaching. If I was working at a TV station or with the media, I'd try to get them involved with some aspect of the work from stuffing envelopes, to being on camera, etc. so that we could spend time coming to and going from work. . . I also always made them a priority when I was home so that I never missed ball games and wrestling matches and track meets, and school plays."

Often fathers have specific experiences that make them re-evaluate their balance of work or school and family.

*"Last month I felt in my gut what happens when you don't put family first. My son Steven had his first ever swim meet. He loves to compete and show off for Dad. I know he was counting on me being there. As the hour approached, I had a little last minute research request at work and I opted to complete the request before I left. As a result, I ended up leaving just a few minutes later than I had planned. Well, the wind storm made the commute home just a little longer than usual, and I arrived just in time to see Steven getting out of the water after his very first race. I missed it! It is an experience that can never be recreated! When he's an Olympic swimmer I'll never be able to say I saw his first competitive race. And I missed so I could finish an unimportant task at work. The really ironic thing is that the next day we ended up not even needing the research I had done. I learned very clearly that my place at that moment in time was at the pool with my son, not at the office with my computer! I vow not to miss other important firsts in my son's life."

Sometimes there are situations where work schedules and circumstances are not very accommodating of father's desires to nurture their families. In these types of situations, it is often necessary for the father to sacrifice promotions and praise at work in order to spend the time they would like with their families. Griswold (1997) cites a study finding that in 1991, 74% of fathers would rather have a "daddy-track" job rather than a "fast-track" job, and 48% actually reduced their work load or passed up promotions which enabled them to spend more time with their children (p. 85). The 1991 Gallup poll, as cited by Snarey, (1993, p. 37) showed that a majority of men gain greater satisfaction from caring for their family than from a job well done at work. The following stories illustrate this point.

"One thing that has happened to me is that for two or three years I was under really heavy pressure at work. For a while I was working for a particularly demanding boss and I was putting in a lot of hours. I had to make a conscious decision that I was willing to give up a certain amount of attention and recognition at work in order to spend more time at home. I had to decide that I wasn't willing to work twelve hour days over long periods of time and give up that time with my children. I had to make a conscious decision that I wanted the time now to be with my children. I think that what I was just saying about my work was a decision I had to make."

Second Story.

"In 1991 I started working at a start-up computer software company in the evenings and on Saturdays. That continued through the end of 1992, when I left the company, and it became harder and harder for Dana [his wife] to deal with my not being there. I eventually had to leave because it was so hard on our family. She felt like she wasn't getting the support that she needed at the time, and I wasn't there very much because of trying to make the business go. That was a very difficult time and it got to the point where my continued involvement was causing a lot of problems, so I eventually left as a result of that....I know that our family life is the most important thing and it's good to know that I had my priorities straight....It was a defining experience."

Every family and employment situation is different, and fathers need to use good judgement in making sure that their family is cared for. Gerson (1997) recognized this when she stated: " A man need not give up a high-powered career in a demanding profession to become an [involved] parent...Regardless of his occupation, however, he needs sufficient flexibility and autonomy at work to create the time and space for [generative] parenting" (p. 47).

*Stories used with permission from Jeff Hill, editor of DAD/S

Conclusion

FatherWork encompasses a man's stewardship to provide for and nurture his family. While a father's occupation may serve as a source of challenge and self-worth, the primary purpose of his employment must not be forgotten -- a father works to provide for his family. The purpose of a father's job is to ensure his family's survival and by so doing open the windows of opportunity for loving, nurturing relationships to flourish. Simply put, though a father's job may be a means of financial support, his career should always be his family, and often the balancing of time and resources between one's family and one's employment is a struggle. Much as a successful business company wisely manages its resources, so must a generative father wisely manage his time, energy, and commitment between his job and his family. Fathers, as you invest your time, energy, and love into building and strengthening your family you will find that being esteemed and "promoted" in the eyes of your children is far more rewarding than the fleeting glory and praise obtained by your labors in the workforce.

More metaphors about fathering

Learning and Application Activities

Please complete one of the following:

1. Think of an experience when you felt you did an especially good or especially poor job of balancing work and family demands. Write a story that recounts this experience and submit your story to us.

2. Gather ideas from several male co-workers on creative ways to balance work and family demands. Alternatively, interview one father who you think does an excellent job of creatively balancing work and family demands. Send a brief (about one page) "report" about what you learned from this experience to us via email.

3. Interview a father who is currently or recently unemployed and discuss with him how this affects his feelings as a father. Send a brief (about one page) "report" about what you learned from this experience to us via email.

Dimensions of Generative Involvement

Overview

Fathering is defined in many different ways. Some people believe that fathering is nothing more than conceiving a child. Others might include providing economically for the family. Still others believe that if a father does not have significant time with hands-on child care, then he is not being a "good" father. Although each of these definitions are actually included in the work that fathers do, there is much more to generative involvement. By themselves, these limited definitions of fathering do not allow men to achieve their full potential as fathers because they fail to consider the other areas in which fathers contribute to their families well being (Palkovitz, 1997; Hawkins & Dollahite, 1997). Rob Palkovitz, in his article Reconstructing "Involvement" (1997), illustrates the many dimensions in which generative fathers are involved as they care for their families. Palkovitz argues that parenting is much more than what others can see--actions are only one aspect of fathering. He states, "As any parent can readily testify, there are numerous aspects of involvement that occupy the mind and require emotional or affective energy and investment" (p. 208). He gives 15 ways fathers can be involved in fathering:

• Communication
• Teaching
• Monitoring
• Thought Processes
• Errands
• Caregiving
• Child-Related Maintenance
• Shared Interests
• Availability
• Planning
• Shared Activities
• Providing
• Affection
• Protection
• Supporting Emotionally

Each of these areas is interrelated with the others, therefore any single parenting activity could fall under more than one of the areas of involvement. Using Palkovitz's fifteen "Ways to be Involved" as the framework, the following stories illustrate the various dimensions of generative involvement.

Conclusion

FatherWork encompasses a man's stewardship to provide for and nurture his family. While a father's occupation may serve as a source of challenge and self-worth, the primary purpose of his employment must not be forgotten -- a father works to provide for his family. The purpose of a father's job is to ensure his family's survival and by so doing open the windows of opportunity for loving, nurturing relationships to flourish. Simply put, though a father's job may be a means of financial support, his career should always be his family, and often the balancing of time and resources between one's family and one's employment is a struggle. Much as a successful business company wisely manages its resources, so must a generative father wisely manage his time, energy, and commitment between his job and his family. Fathers, as you invest your time, energy, and love into building and strengthening your family you will find that being esteemed and "promoted" in the eyes of your children is far more rewarding than the fleeting glory and praise obtained by your labors in the workforce.

More metaphors about fathering

Learning and Application Activities

Please complete one of the following:

1. Think of a unique way that you (or some father you know well) are involved with your (or his) children that is easily and often overlooked by professionals and researchers. Write about an experience that demonstrates this unique form of involvement and why it is important, and submit your story to us.

2. Ask 3-5 friends, family members, or co-workers what their definition of good fathering is. Analyze their responses in terms of the 15 dimensions of generative fathering in this module. For instance, which dimensions seem to be mentioned most often in these individuals' definitions? Which dimensions are mentioned least often? Send a brief (about one page) "report" about what you learned to us via email.

3. Take our Inventory of Father Involvement Questionnaire, or have a client, family member, friend, or co-worker fill it out. Analyze it in terms of strengths and weaknesses. Send a brief (about one page) "report" about what you learned as a result of this experience to us via email.